Feb. 6th, 2009

baasheep: (Default)
"Fake it til you make it" is a often used saying. It's true for me in so far as I am not always the confident jokey person I come across nor the social butterfly my friends would like to think I am. Take tommorow night. Best friend and myselfs birthdays are about three weeks apart so we traditionally celebrate midway. This year it is her choice of location so we are dressing up and going for swanky cocktails in a fancypants hotel. While yes I am looking forward to dressing up and making myself all purdy, part of me is dreading the social interaction with strangers. See I'm not great with strangers. Sure I am polite and friendly but inside I am cringing. I put myself out there as I am supposed to do but I rarely feel comfortable. My friends however don't believe me on the rare occasions I do confess to this. I tell them my fake it til you make it mantra but they say if I was faking it they could tell as I would behave out of character. I don't let on that I've been following this mantra for years so my faking it behaviour is probably viewed as in character in their eyes. I have conciously tried to drop this mantra but the times I don't use it I feel I come across as rather....flat.

Sometimes I wonder if this character is more of a caricature. In social gatherings I am the one with the potty mouth, the sarcastic one and the one most likely to tell the dirty joke. All admirable traits I know (there's that sarcasm) but sometimes I wonder if I'm just behaving on cue rather like a dog who is taught to roll over with the flick of a palm. With men they tell me I'm easy to talk to because I'm funny and I seem interested in what they have to say. Why then is it men don't seem to want anything long term with me? The general consensus amongst the ones I've been intimate with is that I have lovely boobs and come to bed eyes. Is this all they see? A two dimensional cliched lifetime movie character? The times I do let my true feelings come through, that I like them, that I would like to get to know them better the look of dawning horror on their faces would be hilarious if it didn't hurt so fucking much. With that look I know the conversation will end one of two ways. 1. The "I'm not looking for anything serious but I think your really cool can we be friends" approach or 2. The verbal "I feel the same way" quickly followed by the never calling you again once he says he will. I can't decide which hurts more. I of course pretend everything is fine.

Showtime is tommorow and in my friends own words "theres no party without you". I guess I should be ready to perform.

**sadly not a post about the tv show which I loved.


baasheep: (Default)

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