One day at a time.
Mar. 17th, 2007 11:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
baasheepThank you, I wish you all were here to hug me too.
I went to work yesterday and told my boss. Being a cancer survivor* himself he understood a bit of whats been going on. He told me to take as much time off as I needed and gave me his cell number if I'm not going to be in so I don't have to go through the switch. He also offered to let me go home then and there if I wanted. I decided not to. I have a feeling that work is going to become a bit of a refuge for me. I was able to concentrate on the job and it helped shut my thoughts up. I told one other person in work who suspected but thats it. I don't think I want to tell everyone in work. They would be lovely about it of course but I couldn't handle people asking me how my Mam is every day. I told my four closest girlfriends and a neighbour who is friendly with Mam. It's harder telling people - it brings it all back plus you almost have to console them. Everyone but my boss has said stuff along the lines of "well they come up with new treatments everyday" etc etc. I then have to gently point out that yes they do however the cancer has spread quite a bit and because my Mam is so weak an aggressive treatment like chemo is probably not going to happen, thats its about making her happy and keeping her pain free for as long as possible. Thats when they realise that we aren't looking for a cure and the consoling part comes in. A part of me feels really guilty about that. The not looking for a cure. I know, its silly.
I've been doing a bit of research on pancreatic cancer and the symptoms of it are almost like a checklist of what Mam has. Abdominal pain, loss of appetite, significant weightloss and jaundice. Check, check check and check. Risk factors for pancreatic cancer include age, periodontal disease, smoking, a diet high in meat and obesity. Check for all of those. I've also found out that early diagnosis of pancreatic cancer is hard because the symptoms are so varied. Mam's back is whats really at her. I've read that as the tumour grows its can press on various nerves, organs and sometimes the spine itself so thats something to ask the doctor. By the time a diagnosis is made the cancer has usally spread. Check. The estimated life span for pancreatic cancer patients after diagnosis is three to six months. Five year survival is less then five per cent. Taken direct from wikipedia - "With 32,180 new diagnoses in the United States every year, and 31,800 deaths, mortality approaches 99%, giving pancreatic cancer the #1 fatality rate of all cancers and the #4 cancer killer in the United States amongst both men and women." Weirdly enough I am ok with researching the clinical stuff. Black and white facts and figures. However the personal stories and blogs by people who have cancer not so much. I'm going to wait until I'm a little less raw until I try those again.
It's taking its toll on Dad and myself. Dad has a hard time talking about it. When he has a few drinks though its a different story. He gets so angry and rants at how if the hospital had of believed her earlier maybe it would be different. Its hard to calm him down but I managed to last night. For me its a bone deep tiredness. I fall into bed and immediately conk out. Five or six hours later I'm awake unable to go back asleep with my mind working overtime. Its almost like I'm getting the bare minimum of sleep to keep me functioning before my mind wakes me up sneering "that's enough - wouldn't want you feeling too good would we". I'll show the bastard, I'm gonna knock it out with some sleeping pills tonight haha! We forgot it was St Paddys day (happy st paddys day!) so didn't get any drink in. We went to the shop and Dad for some corned beef and cabbage. Yuck, I'll be having chicken thanks.
For that extra little bit of suck its mothers day tommorow.
*he had a tumour in his leg which was removed with a little bit of bone. A treatment of chemo later and he's in remission. He has a rather impressive scar of his legs and likes to wear shorts in summer and convince people especially tourists that he was swimming in Dublin bay when a shark bit him. Ha who said the irish where warm and welcoming!
I went to work yesterday and told my boss. Being a cancer survivor* himself he understood a bit of whats been going on. He told me to take as much time off as I needed and gave me his cell number if I'm not going to be in so I don't have to go through the switch. He also offered to let me go home then and there if I wanted. I decided not to. I have a feeling that work is going to become a bit of a refuge for me. I was able to concentrate on the job and it helped shut my thoughts up. I told one other person in work who suspected but thats it. I don't think I want to tell everyone in work. They would be lovely about it of course but I couldn't handle people asking me how my Mam is every day. I told my four closest girlfriends and a neighbour who is friendly with Mam. It's harder telling people - it brings it all back plus you almost have to console them. Everyone but my boss has said stuff along the lines of "well they come up with new treatments everyday" etc etc. I then have to gently point out that yes they do however the cancer has spread quite a bit and because my Mam is so weak an aggressive treatment like chemo is probably not going to happen, thats its about making her happy and keeping her pain free for as long as possible. Thats when they realise that we aren't looking for a cure and the consoling part comes in. A part of me feels really guilty about that. The not looking for a cure. I know, its silly.
I've been doing a bit of research on pancreatic cancer and the symptoms of it are almost like a checklist of what Mam has. Abdominal pain, loss of appetite, significant weightloss and jaundice. Check, check check and check. Risk factors for pancreatic cancer include age, periodontal disease, smoking, a diet high in meat and obesity. Check for all of those. I've also found out that early diagnosis of pancreatic cancer is hard because the symptoms are so varied. Mam's back is whats really at her. I've read that as the tumour grows its can press on various nerves, organs and sometimes the spine itself so thats something to ask the doctor. By the time a diagnosis is made the cancer has usally spread. Check. The estimated life span for pancreatic cancer patients after diagnosis is three to six months. Five year survival is less then five per cent. Taken direct from wikipedia - "With 32,180 new diagnoses in the United States every year, and 31,800 deaths, mortality approaches 99%, giving pancreatic cancer the #1 fatality rate of all cancers and the #4 cancer killer in the United States amongst both men and women." Weirdly enough I am ok with researching the clinical stuff. Black and white facts and figures. However the personal stories and blogs by people who have cancer not so much. I'm going to wait until I'm a little less raw until I try those again.
It's taking its toll on Dad and myself. Dad has a hard time talking about it. When he has a few drinks though its a different story. He gets so angry and rants at how if the hospital had of believed her earlier maybe it would be different. Its hard to calm him down but I managed to last night. For me its a bone deep tiredness. I fall into bed and immediately conk out. Five or six hours later I'm awake unable to go back asleep with my mind working overtime. Its almost like I'm getting the bare minimum of sleep to keep me functioning before my mind wakes me up sneering "that's enough - wouldn't want you feeling too good would we". I'll show the bastard, I'm gonna knock it out with some sleeping pills tonight haha! We forgot it was St Paddys day (happy st paddys day!) so didn't get any drink in. We went to the shop and Dad for some corned beef and cabbage. Yuck, I'll be having chicken thanks.
For that extra little bit of suck its mothers day tommorow.
*he had a tumour in his leg which was removed with a little bit of bone. A treatment of chemo later and he's in remission. He has a rather impressive scar of his legs and likes to wear shorts in summer and convince people especially tourists that he was swimming in Dublin bay when a shark bit him. Ha who said the irish where warm and welcoming!
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Date: 2007-03-17 07:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-17 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-18 04:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-19 04:51 pm (UTC)--squirrel