Cranky crappiness gah.

The death certificate came on Friday. It was an odd feeling looking at it - her life reduced to the most vital statistics. Date of Birth, Date of Death, Occupation, address she was born at, who registered the death, who signed the death notice, what she died of, how long she was sick. The last bit the how long she was sick bit, the cert said four months. Cause of death was pancreatic cancer. What she died of was brain damage due to her heart attack. However I suppose she was so weak from the cancer it put a strain on her heart which it couldn't take. However she was diagnosed with cancer March 15th. She died April 8th. A little less then four months don't you think? Unless it was dated from her first gp visit where she complained of the pain in her side which was in January. That would be four months. Its all a bit confusing and god forbid the bureaucrats make it any easier by sending a FAQ sheet with the cert!

It was a bit of a low day today. My cousins son made his communion and myself and Dad went. We sat through the mass (in irish couldn't understand a word!) took the required photos and went to lunch with the family. Through it, all I could think of was how much she would have enjoyed it. She loved the family shindigs, sitting down and catching up, having a bit too much to drink, oohing and aahing over the kids outfits. Her sisters were there and I noticed one of them has eyes the exact shade of blue that Mam had. Funny I never really noticed Mams eyes til the last day in the hospital when her glasses were off. She was in a coma but due to the brain damage she was twitching and moving around and her eyes would flutter open. Her eyes were the blue colour of the sky before a storm hits. The pale blue tinged with grey colour. Needless to say for the rest of the afternoon I could hardly take my eyes off her sister. We made our way home and I went straight to bed.

I was supposed to go out tonight but just couldn't bring myself to get in the going out frame of mind. I texted P and let her know. It was kinda short notice and I don't think she was very happy. I think she would have been less happy had I of gone with the mood I'm in. I try not to be bitchy I really do but she met a guy last night (as did I but more on that in another entry) that she had hooked up with last week. She texted him but he never replied. So she gave him another chance last night and he texted her today. Here comes the bitchy part. I just don't want to hear her gushing on and on about him. She has been with two of his mates. She wants a boyfriend. I think if any man had of shown her attention last week she probably would have hooked up with them. So excuse me for not wanting to hear that this is the real thing, that you are mad about him. He's thirty and fully admits he hasn't had a proper relationship in ten years. There could be a perfectly good reason but don't you think you should find out what it is before you go making the big declarations? She's going out with him tomorrow so no doubt she will be texting me all day to discuss what she should wear. What jewellery. What hairstyle. You get my drift.

Gah this moving on stuff is hard. Plain and simple I just don't want to hear about other peoples happiness and new relationships when I'm miserable. I looked up Irelands cancer foundation website. Do you know how many references I found to pancreatic cancer? One. One entry came up when I searched and that was for some doctors conference. Look up prostrate or breast cancer and its hard to wade through the many many entries but pancreatic cancer? One. It astounds me that this particular form of cancer, this cancer that has a ninety eight per cent mortality rate should only have one entry. Maybe its just not fashionable to have pancreatic cancer?

To end on a better written note please check out http://snickollet.blogspot.com. She lost her husband to pancreatic cancer a few days after my Mam passed. She writes with eloquence and beauty about stuff that nobody should have to go through.