Tis I the Fluff

Happy Valentines day lovelies!


It may seem strange on valentines day but I've decided to stop trying to find Mr Right or Mr Right now. I've deleted my online dating account. I'm fine with this decision too.Its been coming for a while. It makes me a little sad when I see how wonderfully my friends partners treat them that I have no one in my life like that but I'm happy they've found their lobsters. As for me well unless Mr Wonderful walks up to me and declares his undying love I see myself remaining singularly wonderful for the time being.

Speaking of friends I'm off to the cinema with two of them in a hour being the third wheel on their date day :)

My birthday was low key and lovely just the way I wanted it. Woke up had a nummy brekkie (hot cross buns with *real* butter) then off to Mam's grave with a friend. We talked a little about how I felt about visiting (long story short I like going up there to clear my mind but I don't nessercerily feel like *she* is there) and then home and into town to meet best friend for a day of shopping in this new huge shopping mall. It was so much fun just to spend time with her without any interruptions. I picked up a few things (new trainers, waistcoat and puuuurdy black bra) and then we had lunch in TGI's, where friend only slightly begrudged me a ultimate sized cocktail (she was driving :-)). More shopping then home to go to line dancing.

Except traffic was terrible. I rang both the friends I was going line dancing with to say I would probably be delayed and to go in without me that I would be there. One friend is fine about it the other a wee bit stressed (she had never met my other friend before plus she has a bit of anxiety about going new places/trying new things by herself). I reassured her and asked friend number 1 to look out for her. They meet and ring me to tell me the place where the line dancing is supposed to be on is in darkness and was I sure it was on. I was assured by one of the girls in my weightwatchers class last week that it was on, they tried all the doors to the hall and the place was in complete darkness so I guess she was wrong.

I apologised profusely to them both but they both seemed fine. I met up with friend number two when I got home and we watched dvd's and played some wii fit (where according to the poxy thing I had put on 0.7kg and wanted to know why. "Kiss my obese ass its my birthday" was not an option strangely) and chilled out. Friend went home, I watched some more dvd's and finally went to bed. Bliss.

I hope everyone had a lovely new years eve, I know I did.

Theres nothing nicer then being around your closest friends, eating the yummiest food (for hours on end :)) and laughing so hard you need to run, RUN for the bathroom to pee. Ah the joys of getting older..

After our 3 course meal we decided to pace ourselves for the next course until after midnight. Therefore my first meal this year was cheeseboard! Nom nom nom. However now that the festivities are over I am looking forward to a few days of veg heavy eating and am looking for light meal suggestions if anyone can help? Much as I love soup I can only take so many days of it :)

So onto resoloutions, while I've never been one for them I figure its a good idea to give myself a general outline for how I would ideally like 2009 to pan out. So in no particular order

Laugh more
Do things that make me happy
Work on my friendships and let my guard down more with my oldest and most trusted ones.
Read more books (including the ones I've bought but haven't had the chance to yet)
Although a life resoloution I feel I should mention becoming healthier
Be open to new opportunities (I guess men and relationships fall under this)
Only let positive people into my life. I can be negative enough by myself thanks.
Get my finances tighter. I've never liked the word "frugal" but I want to become more finance/money conscious.

On the last one as of the first day of 2009 I am debt free. I paid the last of my cc debt today and have enough money in my account to pay off the last of my college fees tommorow. I'm thinking about closing my cc account altogether or maybe asking them to reduce my limit to the lowest limit they can. I've learned to my cost that if the money is on the card I will spend it regardless of the state of my finances at the time. Perhaps willpower should be on the list hmmm? I also need to figure out how to cancel my curves membership (they changed their opening and closing times and I can make the new times due to work)plus my gym membership (all I use it for is swimming and while its a gorgeous pool I don't go swimming often enough to justify it)

Anyways enough waffling from me I'm off to enjoymy beautiful new wii :)

Busy busy busy busy. I have one more trip to make tonight to a friends to drop off her xmas present, then I will be in hibernation house mode. Speaking of the house it desperately needs to be cleaned. In that annoying way that men of my dad's generation are it generally falls on me to do the brunt of the housework. I don't really mind, true enough its not on my scale of fun things to do but there is a certain sense of satisfaction that surveying all the clean space around me brings. However this cleaning lark dropped off since I started studying for my exams a few weeks ago and having social engagements every night since they ended (yes been out every night for two weeks, yes am exhausted, yes have reached end of sociable tether)means that I am rather horrified as I survey the piles of rubble and rubbish where there used to be clean floor. In fairness to him he cleaned the kitchen and his tv room and it looks great but he's been off work since last friday, it would have been nice if the cleaning extended into the hall or indeed the landing.

On top of this I couldn't find nice flowers for my Mam's grave so instead bought bunches of holly, leaf twiggy things with red berries and pussy willow in a moment of madness thinking "I can make a wreath/arrangement". Clearly I must have been on crack while thinking this, my fingers are so black they have almost fallen off and I have never done a flower arrangement in my life not to mention the whole lack of time thing. I bought some florists wire and this other gold wire stuff so hopefully I should be able to cobble something together that dosen't look like a deranged three year old did it. Hey does tinsel go funky outside? I was thinking of winding some tinsel around the dodgey bits (you know there will be dodgey bits) but am wondering if it will look ok when it rains?

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Ok off to friends, pick up some redbull on the way home then attempt to build a wreath. You have no idea how tempting my bed is right now....

What a week, first off my laptop charger died and I only managed to get it replaced today. So I've been managing to keep up with my bloggy friends on my iphone but its not really conducive to typing out replies.

It's been a tough week ending up with me making a rather large fuck up in work, one of many over the past few weeks and openly sobbing at my desk. Yeah professional. Bosslady took me into another room and I confessed how hard I've been finding the work/college balance. Exams are next week. I finish work and go to the college library where I stay til 9pm. I get home at ten get dinner and go to bed at 11. Where I can't sleep. Because I'm running over all the stuff I didn't get to study. I'm exhausted but don't want to turn to sleeping pills as they zombify me. I forced myself to take time off and have been to the cinema and hanging with friends but at the back of my mind I feel incredibly guilty for not studying. Bosslady told me to focus on college and shes going to try and take some of my work off me. Again I feel guilty because she has her own jobs to be doing and now some of mine.

I think it's more then just exams though, the past few weeks I have been feeling down. Blue. Sad. Tears are a daily occurence. I don't like this supposedly festive season. I don't want to get my friends down because they do. Its easy to put a smiley face on when they are around. Its when I'm alone I just feel empty. Empty and stressed. So not really empty I guess.

In other news friendboy (he of the wanting a bootie call) called me this morning to let me know he's now seeing someone. It's only been 10 days but its "intense". Ummmm ok I'm happy for him but I don't really need to hear how wonderful she makes him feel, how she tells him he's so much better then her last bf and isn't it great they only live 5 minutes away from each other so they can see each other all the time! Nor do I need to see the rapturous bookface status updates either.

Sigh I'm one big ball of negative lately, hopefully when the exams are over normal services will be resumed.

Yeah I hate technology. My last college report is due in tommorow and I had a few bits and pieces to edit on it today. I had saved it to my college usb key thing which is usually quite nifty. I was working on my report yesterday in my local public library on one of their pc's. I plugged my key into my laptop today to edit it and nada. I searched my laptop and nada. All I could find was the notes on my usb key as to how I was going to structure this essay. I think I may have saved it to the library pc yesterday instead of my key. Either that or my key had a spazz attack. Either way I've just spent the past six hours writing a 2500 essay on management theory. I have to be up in five hours.

Oh yes and while online I received an IM from ye olde fuck buddy asking how things were. We are no longer doing that part of the statement so I hadn't spoken to him in a while. Still shook me when he told me about his new girlfriend. Tall, slim, black hair, Slovakian. Sigh. Another one (goregous hunk) bites the dust. Time to renew my chastity vows.....

Oh god actually I have to be up in four and a half hours. Wah!

Gah I go offline for a few days and there is so much catching up to do!

I've been trying to do college work, essays and stuff and its harder then I thought. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this college thing at all. I have two essays done and one and a half left to do for Monday. I took today off because I'm pretty tired of writing about things I have no real interest in. Tommorrow will be a day chock full of writing. Sigh. Suck. It. Up.

In other news work were offering tickets for the irish bond premiere and myself and S got two. So thursday we got to see it. Verdict? Brilliant however don't expect your typical Bond movie. It's dark and pretty much devoid of any witty comments/comebacks you expect of Bond. It's non stop action from the start and the few breaks in the movie for actual dialouge where very much appreciated so I could catch my breath. I can't wait to see it again :)

I'm also a tad worried about my friend S. Pot calling kettle black moment here but she is an emotional overeater. I got to see this on Thursday. We got all gussied up in our finery and she spent the whole night making comments about how fat she felt, how she thought all the skinny people were looking at her and that they much be thinking what is that fat cow doing at something like this. Then at the afterparty she proceeded to devour a platter of food to herself and bitterly comment how the spot prize people wouldn't come near us because we weren't the people they were looking for (i.e fat). We got into the VIP area and this was another problem for her because there were only skinny leggy gorgeous girls there (which was true)and we stuck our like sore (fat) thumbs. She then devoured all the food at the table we were sitting at. We left after about an hour and she insisted we stop in at the local greasy chinese for food. I sat by with my soup and watched as she devoured a starter and main course. Did I mention we went out to dinner before we went to the film?

Its a vicious cycle with her, she hates being fat, feels insecure about what people might be thinking of her then turns to food for comfort. I try to suggest other activities that don't involve food but she always says shes too fat for them (swimming, walking, gym etc) She joined weightwatchers with me but says it's too restrictive (um hello a diet were you can eat what you want as long as you point it?). Honestly, I'm at a loss as to what to do?

When I saw the piss take of the ideological v gynecological twin on the daily show I laughed heartily. Never did I think that anyone would support palin just because she was a woman. Enter an aquaintence on bookface. This person was all gung ho for Hil and when Obama got the nomination she was full of messages about how Hil was robbed ROBBED of the nomination. Enter Palin. Now all of a sudden she is joining the palin/mccain groups on bookface. I was confused thinking because she was a staunch Hil fan she obviously supported the dems so I mailed her. I got a rather terse message back saying it dosen't matter who's team shes on the most important thing was getting a woman in the whitehouse and shattering the glass ceiling Hil spoke of. Uh huh. Nevermind she and I are both irish and have no say whatsover in voting etc. I am just stunned that anyone would support someone based on their sex and nothing else. This aquaintence is a rather odd fish anyways, there are other things that I won't go into but I'm just wondering how many other people out there are doing the same thing? To annoy her I joined a group against palin. Petty yes, immature yes but c'mon now!



Stayed in a hotel last night with bongo buddy and it was luverly. Nothing nicer then spending a lazy weekend in bed with someone who has a similar mindset on these things :) Just back from a BBQ today which my friends threw. It was their 5th wedding anniversary yesterday. If anyone can make a convincing tale for marraige its them. They really do seem to complete each other. It made me happy and sad about bongo buddy, I'm glad I have someone in my life like him but I know not to expect anything more either which is a pity.

Off to the pics tonight to see the strangers. I don't usually like scary movies but the friend I'm going with is my movie buddy and we haven't seen each other in a while and this was the only film on at a time which suited both of us. No doubt I will be whimpering by the end of it :D

I would rent my kidneys to get some decent sleep (hello jetlag!) but alas other things call like fat club and seeing just how much a vacation in america will affect my weight. Meh was worth it.

Had such a great time and cackled out loud when I pulled the polyester dress out of the mess of clothes that is my unpacking. Oh yes I shall be getting more wear out of this in the future I think, sure halloween is just around the corner :)

Its starting to dawn on me that although I will always have a mother shaped void in my life, each and every one of the happies that has happened since she passed goes a little way in taking the sting out of the pain. She would want me to be happy, to go out and be all that I can be and last week I think she would have approved of. Hell I'm proud of me for going that distance by myself for not freaking out when the bus was delayed, when the plane spent nearly an hour on the runway etc etc. I'm also delighted to have met such wonderful people after talking online to most of them for the bones of 7 years!

Oh yes I also have a wee crush, nothing can and will come of it but its nice to feel that giddy feeling again. Its been a long time.

In summary. America woo!, meeting old and new friends yay!, crush giddy!, unpacking meh, lack of sleep EUGH.




**Edited to add after careful consideration I think I prefer the velveeta mac and cheese over the kraft one. Crazy foreigner :p

These past few days have been pretty tough. I called around to his folks house on thursday to pay my respects and there were so many people there. His poor fiancee was still in shock and sat curled into the couch not really aware of her surroundings. Then the removal on Friday, it was standing room only, at least 450 people turned up. The service was short as it always is and Bridezillas husbands uncle who is a priest said the decade of the rosary. It was bittersweet. Last month he was marrying bridezilla and her husband in greece. This month its her brothers funeral. Then back to her folks house where we traded stories of B and how gross he could sometimes be lol (like the time he hooked a beer keg up to the feding tube in his stomach, sober to drunk in less then 2 mins!)it was a good night although several people myself included we nearly expected B to come into the room and give his side of the gross story. Its still so hard to believe he's gone.

Saturday, well saturday was the hardest of all. Again there was a huge turnout, standing roon only again. G his Dad started the funeral with a speech about his son. Everyone listened as he told us when B was diagnosed with CF at 10 weeks old the Doctors told them he would be lucky if he made it another six weeks. Twenty five years is pretty good going he said. Well I guess when you are given a diagnosis like that every day is a gift. He told us about B and how he always helped to raise awareness about CF and had no problem telling his own story especially to those who were of a slightly squeamish nature lol. He met the minister for health a little while ago with some other CF patients and managed to secure a special CF unit in our local hosptial which is a huge step. He also put forward his arguement for the opt-out system of donors (bascially its a system where every one is automatically a donor, no need for donor cards and if you wish to opt out you can) which makes so much sense. So many people say they are willing to be a donor but when it comes down to it they never have the conversation with their family or have much knowledge about donor cards. It was B's wish the donor cards would be available at his funeral and they were. Both days. 300 cards each day. All were taken. So potentially there are 600 new donors as a result of B. If anything good was to come out of his death this is it.

The saddest and most poigient thing of all was a letter from B. When he was taken to ICU the last time he realised he may not bounce back again. So he composed a letter on his phone. K his finacee found it after he passed and read it out. In it he thanked his parents for raising him, recounted a few funny stories, told Bridezilla her and her husband would make fantastic parents and Ken that he was the best brother (Ken's gf has CF and is on the transplant list too. It was pretty harrowing for him knowing what might lie ahead again) B thanked everyone who looked after him and said he was so tired of fighting and he knew it would all be over soon and he would be watching down. His coffin was carried out to Guns n' Roses knocking on heavens door which was a favourite song of B's. Then to the graveyard where again a huge turnout. A dove was released and 65 roses (a symbol of cystic fibrosis) where dropped onto his coffin. The priest said a few words then the cover was placed over the earth and it was all over. We all stood there for a few minutes paying respects to his folks not quite sure what to do when the decision was made for us. Monsoon rain fell from the sky and everyone scattered. A sign from B to get the show on the road perhaps?

We spent the restr of the day in a hotel the Bridezilla and her husband had reserved for their wedding party which would have been last saturday. We ate, laughed, cried and remembered B.